Friday, December 01, 2006

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

Whoooooaaaablleleeeeecccchhhhh. I don't really know how to spell the sound effects of one barfing, but that is peaceful background music of the evening. This week has been a non-stop circus cacapohany of disgusting bodily functions. Wheee!
It started with me on Sunday coughing up whatever sludge had apparently taken up residence in my lungs and of course was accompanied by noseblowing, sneezing, hacking, and many varieties of something that sounded like: "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".
Monday was Addy providing me with the most monstruous baby throw ups you have ever seen. She actually threw up so much on me that not only did she cover my whole sweater, half a leg and the floor from wall to wall, but somehow managed to save an extra cup of the chunky stuff for...mommy's cleavage. The funny thing is that I did my darnedest to mop it out, but it was so cold outside that it turned into milky ice chunks in there! NOT A PLEASANT SENSATION!!
The next day was Tuesday, and Tuesday's at our house are..... Diarrhea Day!!! (how in the world do you spell that??) You might be suprised at the force with which a 15 lb baby is able to expel things from that tiny little scphincter. But don't let's it's small size fool you...that little schpincter could blow a Hell's Angel off his hog!!! She seems to really enjoy it too. She gets this almost Dr. Evil'ish laugh going after a good puke or blowout.
Wednesday proved to be Vomit Day round 2, Daddy Style. I have never in my life known someone who throws up as often, or with as much pure force than Ammon. Seriously - he pulled his shoulder this time from wretching so hard - and this is not a first. Poor man. I'm worried that he either going to get hemerroids from straining so hard, or that vein in his neck will just explode! There's got to be a medication for this sort of thing. If this doesn't happen from the barfing, it will surely happen because of the competitive Diarrhea Ammon was also working on on Wed. Whether he was competing with Addy, or his stomach, I don't know. Just let me say, that I was the big loser that day. In many ways.
Thursday is groan day. Groan because you're tired. Groan because your shoulder hurts. Groan because you haven't thrown up but you wish you would. Grown because your XBox isn't working and neither is On Demand. I'll let Ammon know how much sympathy this elicited.

And on to everyone's favorite day of the week...FRIDAY!

In my house, it's Friday-stick-your-finger-down-your-throat day. And no, I am not a bulimic. I seem to have developed a queer medical condition where I can swallow nothing larger that the size of a gnat without violently thrashing around and making strange gurgling noises (Cassy can attest to this) whilst I try to tame the wild beast in my throat. This has gone on my entire life, much to the amusement of all my family who totally ignore me now when it happens, and the friends that happen to witness it for the first time and find my family to be HIGHLY insensitive since no one lifts a finger to help me. It has also allowed many high minded folk (occasionally doctors) that kindly let me know that I AM CRAZY PEOPLE and it's all in my head. Hmmm. I hadn't ever thought of that. Thank you!! Problem solved!!! For those of you out there who may have made these comments at one point. I don't hold it against you. I may tell you that you might want to pluck your toe hair as rebuttal.

Anyway, it's been especially bad this week for 2 reasons: during pregancy, it was grand. I could swallow eighteen Satsuma's in one shot and not even bat an eye (there are some small advantages to having every smooth muscle in your body just poop out and relax for 9 months). But soon after I delivered...zzzzzzzwwwwwppppp. It snapped shut like a mouse trap and I cannot even swallow my happy drug and an ibuprofen together, much less anything larger - like those HORSE CALCIUM PILLS!! How does anyone swallow these? Your espohagus would have to be a 2" diameter plastic pipe hose!
Back to this week. I have also (as noted on Sunday) had a cold which added to a bit of swelling in those regions which has caused even greater troubles. In the last two days, I have choked on: an antidepressant, a piece of bread, bagel, french fries, and lettuce. How does one choke on lettuce? It's mostly water anyway!
This would all be much less problematic if a) they would come straight back up or go all the way down (they like to lodge roughly right in between my boobs for about 30 mins or so, all the while giving me strange gassy pains and gassy sounds and gurgling noises again, or...b) if it didn't happen AT MY DESK~! It happened 4 times in the last 2 days that I have either tried to "choke discreetly" in my trash can (I put quotes in because I think the phrase choke discreetly is an oxymoron), or run maddly to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth while making noises that sound similar to what I think a drowning seal would sound like. sort of a half bark/gurgle.
Anyway, I know they all think I'm bulimic. I'll prove it to them too: "Hey baby, you don't come by this size 14/16 doing nothin! You gotta work at it girl!" You'd have to be pretty dim to think I was a bulimic.

Anywho, that is my blooogering of the night. It is 9:38 and soooo WAY past Mommy's bedtime. I am pathetic.

Aaaaahhh - on a happy note - tomorrow is a MOMENTOUS OCCASION. Hold your breath..........for tomorrow, I have FINALLY FOUND and will receive in my hot little hand......................................................................................................................................

THE PERFECT BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would show you a picture now but that would ruin the surprise. Check baby tomorrow for Mama's Christmas present to herself! Is it in poor taste to actually wrap it and put in under the tree? Perhaps not, but why waste this month when I can be GALIVANTING AROUND TOWN WITH IT like some cool famous person.