Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Relief Society Gone Wild

It's finally official! I've had the cops called on me TWICE and my neighbors hate me. Yes, this is not a lie. I am a disturber of the peace and a public nuisance (well not officially, but it sounds more fun).

The first police incident was actually the fire department accompanied by 3 police cars. I take absolutely zero of the blame for this one - it all goes to Ammon-PyroManBoy-Crapo who thought it would be an excellent idea to light our Christmas tree on fire in the middle of the backyard on a snowy January eve. Note I said eve. Had he lit said fire at noon like he had the year before, the 25 foot flame ball wouldn't have been quite as noticeable to our loving neighbors who thoughtfully called us to be sure everything was fine, and then promptly called the fire department on us anyway.

Incident number 2, however...all me, or should I say...all the ladies of the Relief Society. OK, actually just 11 of them, but that is one rowdy group, believe you me missy.
To complete my indoctrination into the life of a suburban mom, I joined a Bunko group with a bunch of girls from church. For those of you not familiar with Bunko, it's basically a chance for women to get together and yell a lot and talk about boobs and pregnancy, with dice as an accessory.
On Friday night I hosted Bunko at my house, and as it was a nice breezy fall evening, I left all of the windows open. Which leads us to the yelling. To be clear, yelling in Bunko is not constant, but a scream let out at random intervals the likes of which you have never heard in nature, nor will again, with roughly the decibel level of a giant bullhorn going off 4 cm from your eardrum.
So. If you were my neighbor, and for 2 straight hours you heard occasional but forceful primal female screams, what conclusion would you draw? I thought so. Which is why at roughly 10pm, the cops knocked on my door for the second time in a 12 mth period. When I opened the door, laughing so hard at Mr. Officer that I was crying, I'm pretty sure he thought I was drunk. The fact that there were 10 women in the background also crying in hysterical laughter and screaming "BUT WE'RE MORMONS!!! WE'RE NOT EVEN DRINKING!!!!" did not help the situation. He looked very alarmed, but was very nice and kindly asked us to keep the sounds of domestic abuse down to a respectable level. Who said life in the suburbs was boring?
Us. Or at least our inspiration for RSGW.

Monday, September 15, 2008

"...cleaning crud up in the kitchen..."

If you hadn't heard already, I QUIT MY JOB!!!! Today is my first official day in Stay-At-Home-Motherdom.
While being a SAHM is INFINITELY preferable to working full time at a job you don't give two snoots about, there are a few challenges.

Here is my first day (so far) in numbers:

3 - poopy diapers
1 - arrival of mom's "monthly fun"
0 - naps
1 - pee on the carpet
6 - loads of laundry done
3 - Diet Cokes consumed by mom
45 - mins of TV so far watched by child (not too bad I think)
68 - number of times I have said NO!
2 - max number of times I can listen to "Apples and Bananas"
1 - email responded to

I can just picture my sister laughing uproariously right now saying "I told you so!!!" in her evil old sister-y voice. Oh gads I need a nap.

Sunday, September 07, 2008


OK, so I know I am WAY behind on blogging, and I do have so much to say. But, I'm tired and I have a recording of Wipeout to watch, so you'll have to wait.

But, I do feel compelled to share with you an extremely true and disturbing story:

So, most of you know that I sleep with earplugs. Ammon, bless his heart he tries so hard, snores like a drunken hippo, or at least he used to until he had sinus surgery last month.
Upon entering the state of matrimonial bliss, my options were to yell at him to roll over every 6 minutes or learn to like earplugs. I chose the latter. Now, I am addicted. Obsessed. I LOVE MY EARPLUGS and I seriously cannot live without them now. Even if I am sleeping in a hotel room all by myself, I MUST have a pair. **Sidenote - I forgot them on our recent trip, and I kid you not I didn't sleep the entire night.

One other thing you must understand about me to fully appreciate the horror this story involves: I have a very serious medical condition called "Phobia of Ear Wax". It's true. Just writing that made me throw up a little in my mouth. I have to leave the room when people discuss it (which, I must ask, why in the world would anyone think that ear wax is EVER an appropriate topic of discussion in social situations??? I don't care how close you are to your friends! Never never never talk about ear wax!!!!). Looking at it...I can't even consider.

You can understand then, why I almost passed out this morning when I woke up and realized I was chewing on something. "Hmmmm..." thought I. "That feels like a big wad of paper. How did that get in my mouth??". As I reached in to pull out the mystery wad of paper, I saw that it wasn't some innocuous ball of chewed up receipts or love notes, IT WAS ONE OF MY EAR PLUGS!!!! IN MY MOUTH!!!!!! CHEWED UP!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh I'm going to puke.

HOW in the living heck did I put something so disgusting in my mouth, and then CHEW on it for who knows how long!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I don't even know what else to say, except that I think I am off ear plugs. Why, why, WHY would my unconscious mind do this to me???? Doesn't it know that I can't think of anything more disgusting to put in my mouth? And why was it thinking I needed something in there while I was sleeping anyway?? Do I have some kind of secret oral fixation that only a very hidden part of my mind is aware of? Have I done this before? What else have I chewed on? Luckily there aren't really any other items on my nightstand that would fit in my mouth...although....my alarm clock is very small.

Luckily, I keep a clean set of ears, but STILL. Ewwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! I need some Scope.