Wednesday, March 15, 2006


I blame my mood today entirely on the LAME nutritionist I had to go see this morning. Lucky me, I have gestational diabetes, and so was ordered by my tender loving doctor (thhhpppffft) to go see Bird-Woman-Who-Has-Obviously-Never-Been-Pregnant.

Her first mistake was to begin our relationship with a weigh-in. While perhaps necessary, she should know that this is not a good way to form a lasting bond with a cranky pregnant woman.
Strike One.

She made her second mistake by following the weigh in with random comments about how I really need to watch my weight gain because I don't want to gain 60 lbs and have to have a C-section yadayadayada. (see more on C-section threat abuse below)
Strike Two.

Her advice on not gaining a lot of weight? Eating 1700 calories a day. You heard me. 1700.

Ummmm. Yeah. Survey says crack smoker?
I think the last time I only ate only 1700 calories in one day was when I was a prepubescent 9 year old. Not only that, but I presently have a living, breathing, giant 2.5 lb PARASITE in my uterus who I swear consumes that many calories on her very own in 24 hours. All those books and magazines that say you only need an extra 300 calories when you are pregnant are complete and utter HOGSWALLOP. I'm not sure what hogswallop is but it sounds like the equivalent of pooh, which is what I am going for.

Strike Three. Bird Woman is officially out. But does she stop there? Ohhhhhh no. This lady is an overachiever.

She asks if I know the risks of G.D. (answer: yes), and proceeds to tell me anyway, with great solemnity that 1) it increases the risk of Type II later in life (yes, yes, I know. If I don't lose this extra 50+ lbs 2 weeks after birth I will die at age 38),

and 2).....drumroll please....

it will make me have a really big baby and I might have to (GASP!!!) have a C-SECTION!!!!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! THE HORROR! The absolute utter awfulness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a new war tactic I have previously been unfamiliar with that nurses/nutritionists/brothers in law, etc. like to engage in when attacking a pregnant woman. I like to call it the C-Section Threat. The C-Section Threat is great for the attacker because there is a dizzying miriad of applications. Is she gaining too much weight? Use the CST. Is she not exercising the requisite amount? The CST. Does she have bloated ankles, a puffy face, high blood pressure, a skinny pelvis, or you just really feel like she needs to put down that cinnamon roll? Or do you just think she is a wuss for not looking forward to labor? Again, use the CST.

As a pregnant woman who already knows, for very good medical reasons we won't get into on this blog, that she HAS to have a scheduled C-section, this is C-Section Threat ABUSE and it must stop!!! While I admit that having a C-section is not comparable to say, a picnic at the beach, it is not instant death and disbmemberment as we are made to feel.
You will not die, you will not have a 40 inch scar up to your forehead, your baby will be just fine, and life as we know it will continue on even if you do have to have the dreaded C-section.

For the LOVE, people, does having 50 stitches from an episiotomy sound better to you? Birth is traumatic no matter how it happens; you can bet it will be fairly unpleasant somewhere along the way at least in part.

I would just like to appeal to anyone reading this blog: do NOT assume that having a C-Section is as bad as having your legs ripped off by man-eating lions as everyone likes to make you think; and do NOT assume that the already emotionally unstable pregnant woman you are talking to needs a healthy dose of the CST because she COULD ALREADY HAVE TO HAVE ONE AND YOU ARE JUST BEING MEAN.

Thank you for your consideration.


jlj said...

as much as i am sorry for your pain...i love the fact that you are documenting this and i hope the venting is profitable. : )
loves, jlj

Peggy said...

I'm just laughing so hard and I'm really sorry, but you are so dang funny, Mick.

Anonymous said...

In your defense, my mom had c-sections with all 4 of her kids (pelvis was too narrow), and LOVED it!!!